Learning to Float

I’ve been swimming for days now in this ocean of chaos, trying to keep my head above water long enough to write something new. But with every attempt, I hit blank after blank. Yesterday, I told myself I’d face my own mess, but here I am again, anchoring myself in someone else’s pain and problems.

What is it that I’m so afraid of? What have I been avoiding this past month? Am I avoiding... myself?

To the people I help, I’m the heroic, strong woman who’s always there to save the day. But what they don’t see is that I’m just one breath stroke away from drowning. The only thing keeping me afloat is the distraction I find in their problems. I don’t even know who I am when I’m not solving someone else’s shit. What I do know is that I can’t keep bracing against these waves much longer.

Every time I avoid my own life, the currents grow stronger.

But there’s another woman on the other side of this ocean, and the waves remind me that she’s the reason they keep sparing me. She’s waiting for the day I cut the mooring line tethering me to my fears. She’s everything I’ve dreamed of becoming: confident in her gifts and power, unafraid to stand in the truth of who she is. I can see her, moving through this world with purpose, blessing it with her grace. She’s immune to the illusions of fear.

On the other side of this ocean, the waters are tranquil—a serene turquoise blue. I can hear them whispering, Trust. Let go of the dock. Stop anchoring yourself here.

One by one, the waves crash against me, pulling me left, then right. The resistance builds as I think about how lonely this path might be. I fight the idea of letting go, haunted by questions: What if I have to say goodbye to the people who took my power? What if they never accept the woman I’m becoming?

Then something shifts.

I stop fighting the water, and it stops fighting me.

The waves crawl gently towards me.

For the first time, I’m not scared.

I quiet my mind and connect with my body as the ocean whispers: But what if cutting this mooring line allows you to float into the life you’ve always been meant to live?

So, I cut the line. And as I let go, I begin to learn how to float.

Danaya